To better understand women’s fascinations with dieting, Jake and Eddie went on The Lemonade Diet (The Master Cleanse) for ten days.

Jake:

I had some saltwater mix this morning, but again, to no avail. Maybe I’m mixing it wrong, but it just doesn’t seem to be doing the trick of “cleansing” my organs. I didn’t start drinking the lemonade until like 2 or 3pm. It’s weird, though, because I didn’t get cranky or starving or desperate like I may have, had I not been doing this master cleanse.

To me, here’s where women be trippin. It’s the extreme nature of this cleanse as a way to trick your body. What I’m doing is so unhealthy and unnatural - not eating - yet, my body doesn’t need food. The newfound intense need for food will soon take over and I can see how girls who do this will gain all the weight back in a few days.

Eddie:

I’ve been pacing myself through the day’s lemonade pretty well, and I’ve been avoiding people (and thus avoiding arguments). I talked to a friend of mine who made it all the way through the diet, and that helped give me courage for the fray.

I started to look at myself in the mirror today, and I feel thinner. Several people have told me that I look thinner. It could just be my posture, but it’s gotten to my head. I’m starting to get so used to the way I look now, I’ve almost forgotten the hefty-hefty I left behind.

I’ve been secretly making a list of foods I’m dying to eat. I wouldn’t be surprised if, in two weeks, I’m actually heavier than when I started this whole mess (if I’m not in the hospital by then).

To better understand women’s fascinations with dieting, Jake and Eddie went on The Lemonade Diet (The Master Cleanse) for ten days.

Jake:

Nearly 3 days down and I’m doing just fine. I tried that saltwater cleanse this morning - a liter of heavily salted warm water (over 4 cups) that you’re supposed to chug. It’s supposed to run through your body in less than an hour, but still, no poop. I’m getting worried that I’m backing my system up.

As for mood, I have a lot of energy and pretty peppy for the most part. I was at a lunch meeting where they served the most beautiful barbecued chicken, vegetables, corn on the cob and fresh salad. I felt like an idiot staring at people cut chicken off the bone and lick dripping butter off their hands as they typewriter-chomped their corn.

I can’t focus on anything for more than 5 minutes. I feel like a 2 year old (minus the pooping in my pants).

Eddie:  

Tea worked like a charm!

Yesterday, I experienced a lemonade deficit around 9pm, which led to a particular crankiness that lasted through the night. To make up for cranking through the lemonhate so quickly yesterday, I tried to pace myself better today. In retrospect, that’s like putting out a fire by bulldozing your house into a lake.

This diet has turned me into a full blown crazy person (aka a woman).

At one point, I asked Sarah (my lady) to go get me food. Thankfully, she refused.

Also, why does the whole damn city of L.A. smell like a barbecue?

To better understand women’s fascinations with dieting, Jake and Eddie went on The Lemonade Diet (The Master Cleanse) for ten days.

Jake:

It sounds strange, but I feel great. I had normal hunger pains throughout the day, but I’d describe them more as itches. The scratching was done with a much better-mixed lemonade. Way less cayenne pepper and just a little less syrup made for a sweet, more lemony drink without so much of the nauseating kick at the end.

I had a lot of great energy today, had a great workout in the morning, finished the gallon of lemonade early (by 7:30pm). I’m just having a glass of tea now and feel about ready for bed. No shitting yet, but I’m going to start the saltwater drink tomorrow morning. We’ll see how long I’ll last then…

Eddie:

If yesterday felt like the feeling of hunger you get around 4:30 in the afternoon, then today felt like 5:30 - all day. The pain increased a little. I was much quicker to get annoyed, but it wasn’t unbearable.

Starting to get a little alarmed about basic body functions, so I had a laxative tea. We’ll see how that goes. Pretty soon, I might have to switch to salt water. The laxative tea is cinnamon-flavored, and the taste of something beside my lemon-cocktail elated me. It felt undescribably good to just have flavor in my mouth right now.

This morning, I went a few hours without a glass of lemonhate, and I was ready to rip the head off of a puppy before I made it back home in time to down some much-needed calories. I don’t feel any more energized than normal. I really don’t understand why anybody would gladly volunteer for this regimen. I can’t wait to have a taco again. Any kind of taco will do. I don’t want to go into too much detail, because it’ll just depress me.

To better understand women’s fascinations with dieting, Jake and Eddie went on The Lemonade Diet (The Master Cleanse) for ten days.

Jake:

I’m about 20 hours into the lemonade cleanse. I was actually cool with it through lunchtime, and through what usually is my afternoon snacktime.

But as dinnertime approaches, a weird thing is happening to my body. I’m looking at the 1/4 gallon that’s left of my daily gallon and each cup-full makes me gag just a little. It reminds me of the feeling of eating cottage cheese. The first few bites are delicious. It’s refreshing and creamy and salty and great. But after a short while, I start reminding myself that this is chunky, old milk. And suddenly, the texture and flavor don’t seem as delicious. I’ll finish it, but not without getting in my head about how gross this actually is.

So, with 20 hours down, I’ve only peed 5 times today. No poos. I expected more, but maybe that will change tomorrow. I’ve been going in and out of being just sort of in a tired stupor to being really lucid. It’s not unlike being drunk. There are times where I’m in a great mood and feel loopy and silly. I want to go and talk to people and I feel great. Actually, it’s a lot like being drunk… vomiting may seal the deal.

Eddie:

I started the Lemonade Diet at 9:20 last night, so today is my first full day on the diet. Last night, as I caught up on some TV, it seemed like every goddamn commercial was for a restaurant. Has Tuesday night become FoodNight on TV?

To better understand women’s fascinations with dieting, Jake and Eddie went on The Lemonade Diet (The Master Cleanse) for ten days.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time about every goddamn thing they get their hands on. We know why women be trippin, so here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

Why lie? I don’t care about withholding how much you weigh; personally I think it’s even rude to ask. But there’s no reason to lie on your driver’s license. Who’s going to see it? A cop? He pulls you over and says, “Wait a second—you don’t weigh 125, you look more like 150” and then what? He arrests you for lying? Or a bouncer.  He probably won’t let you in the club because you said you were lighter than you are…??? Who the eff cares?!

Maybe women put a lower weight on their license as motivation.  I know it sounds crazy, but here’s the logic.  If I weigh 150 but I put 125, it’s like saying “I wish I were 125″ or “Someday, I’ll be 125″ or “I used to be 125 before I stopped going to the gym and started drinking 3 nights a week.”  It’s a goal of some sort.  I think it’s a little bit insane because it’s such a tease.  It nags at you like a Jewish grandma who keeps on feeding you and is truly insulted when you don’t eat, but will still comment that you’re putting on weight.

Women love dancing. They love it so much, that in their perfect dance-world, there aren’t any men around to ruin it. So what have they gone and done?

“Massagers”

January 23rd, 2009 | Category: Sex | Written by: Kristin

I love Brookstone. When I’m in that store, I imagine myself years older, two facelifts under my belt, with gobs of disposable income to fill my mansion with “Space Foam” pillows, massaging chairs, magnifying mirrors, and telescopic binoculars.

But the best thing about Brookstone for me is the display of twenty different hand-held vibrating “massagers”. Who are they kidding? I guess it makes sense to sell these things at a place like Brookstone since no self-respecting PTA chairwoman would be caught dead picking up a vibrator in a real-life sex shop. I wish some women could just own their sexuality without having to beat around the bush (and no, I will not ask you to pardon that pun. I’m proud of it).

 

With “massagers” like these, who needs the pool boy?

 

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