WBT Podcast: Women be trippin on their boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. Is it a good idea to get drinks with your boyfriend’s ex? (Special guest: Erica)

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I come across a lot of weird stuff on my travails across the internet for further proof that women be trippin, but “reborns” are hands down the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I almost think I can retire now that I’ve discovered something as uniquely trippin as these lifelike baby dolls.

Not only are these dolls individually made with frightening precision (each hair is rooted in the head, strand by strand), but it also costs a pretty penny to call one of these dolls your own. Each “reborn” runs you about $4,000. Four thousand dollars?! That’s a little more than half the cost of going to a real hospital with certified doctors and having them deliver a baby the way nature intended. On the one hand, it’s a cost saver versus the real thing. On the other hand, it’s $4,000 for a DOLL!

Some women buy these dolls because they yearn to have kids so bad, they need to have something that looks, feels, and weighs the same as a real loin fruit. These women are a dangerous threat to our society, and they ought to be quarantined.

Other women buy these “reborns” so that they, themselves, can become “remoms.” Since their kids have all grown up, they long for that feeling of helplessness that an infant provides. And since you can’t freeze your real kids in time, buying a doll is the next best thing. These women are equally out of their mind. What’s the kid gonna think when mommy is spending all her time tending to some expensive piece of plastic?

One “remom” compares herself to a man who might build a model train set. While I think that hobby is strange, as well, the guys who build them don’t think that the model train set is an actual train depot. They have a greater grasp on this lovely place I call reality.

There are two types of women in this world: the women who think Lorena Bobbit is a deranged psychopath and the women who think that she was just giving her husband what he deserved - a severed penis.

If you belong in the second group, you’ll take particular pleasure in this story from Queens, New York. Oyindamola Ojofietimi took a bucket of scalding hot water to her sleeping husband’s junk. He awakened with a blood curdling scream. She’s in jail now (where I hope she stays for a long, long, long, long time), and he’s recovering in the hospital.

According to her husband/victim, Emmanuel Ojofietimi, she did it because she suspected that he was cheating on her. While he admitted to cheating in the past, he says that he’s been faithful for at least a decade and a half. According to him, “She doesn’t know how to give up and let go.”

In a telling sidenote, CBS asked some of the couple’s neighbors if they’d ever consider exacting revenge in a similar way. Jessie Maldanado said, “Maybe… But I couldn’t have gone through with it.” Upon hearing this, her boyfriend Jesse Davis said, “I think it’s crazy she has that thought. I need to get that thought out of her head.” Jesse’s already got enough on his plate without his girlfriend taking hot water to his junk. Poor guy’s dating a girl who has the same name he does.

We’ve talked before about girls who dress cute to earn the notice of other fashion-savvy girls - as opposed to girls who dress hot to force guys to give them a second look. Girls make a lot of fashion choices to impress other women or to make themselves feel better, and that’s fine. I certainly don’t expect women to gear all their sartorial wares toward me, but I can’t be expected to appreciate or even condone some of the crazy clothes and accessories that they insist on.

Harem Pants
When did everyone suddenly start turning to Aladdin for fashion advice? Harem pants are freaky looking. They look like capri pants for fat people. I realize that they’re a cross between skirts and pants, but was that a niche that was begging to be filled? Have women been spending the last ten thousand years yearning for a way to combine the breeziness of a skirt with the professionalism of pants? I don’t think so. If you want to wear a skirt, then wear a skirt. If you want to make people’s wishes come true, three at a time, then spring for the harem fashion, but don’t expect me to go along with it.

Earring-Necklaces
Oh, finally, women can wear an ear-to-ear chin strap, as if they were playing connect the dots between their earholes. You can’t really call this a necklace, because it barely makes contact with the neck. Instead, it’s really more of an earring sideshow, bringing little attention to a girl’s nape and more to her heavily burdened lobes. I really don’t even want to think about what would happen if this got snagged on something. Ughhh, why would women put their precious ears in handcuffs?

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

A lot of my guy-friends have met awesome girlfriends. A few have even gotten engaged. And one has tied the knot. Through all these relationships, all these great girlfriends, I’ve never asked the question or heard another dude ask:

“Is she the one?”

But girls toss this phrase around more than Morpheus from The Matrix. They’re always on the hunt for The One. They’re asking about The One. They’re taking tests in Cosmo to see if they’ve already found The One. But aren’t they begging a very important question - namely, does “The One” even exist?

If you put a gun to my head and forced me to decide, I’d venture to guess that “The One” is just a figment of our advanced imaginations. To accept “The One” as reality, you have to accept the idea that you can put all of your relationships on a ladder of awesomeness. Bad boyfriends go on the bottom rung. Awesome boyfriends get closer and closer to the top, but that top rung is reserved for “The One.”

The problem with this logic is that you can’t really compare most relationships. They’re either good or bad, but if you put two “good” relationships side-by-side, it’s tough to measure all the intangibles. And if you can’t measure them, then how the hell could you ever find one that’s perfect?

Just because I don’t believe in finding “The One” doesn’t mean I don’t believe in loving someone. I just have trouble with the idea that there’s only one person out there for me. What if she’s already dead or married? Am I just screwed forever?

Between the Master Cleanse, the Atkins Diet, the South Beach Diet, and the Diet of Worms, women on the weight-loss warpath have their work cut out for them. I guess there’s nothing inherently wrong with dieting (although, as we’ve already mentioned, summer crash diets make no sense at all). But I don’t understand the never-ending diet - the crazy, “Oh, I can’t eat that” diet that limits fun and seems to become an unattainable goal instead of a helpful tool.

Again, I’m all for losing weight, but if you’ve been on one diet after another for more than a year, something’s got to give. Maybe the diets aren’t working because of all those cheat days. Or maybe the diets would be better supplemented by a jog to the gym instead of a trip to the drive-thru. Or maybe - just maybe! - you’d be better off making peace with what you look like instead of chasing some unrealistically low weight like a dog chasing its own tail.

The fact of the matter is that there are two types of people in this world: people who have bodies like Megan Fox and people who don’t. For those of us who don’t, we should try to be healthy, sure, but we shouldn’t torture ourselves with perpetual diets and lose-weight-quick schemes.

There are women out there who, despite the fact that they’re decidedly single, have elaborate plans for their future wedding. And I’m not just talking about girls who own a wedding magazine or two, or the ones who have already decided on their bridesmaids. I’m talking about full-blown, all-out planning for a wedding that may be years away.

I’m talking about the girls who already have compiled The Book, even though they’re lifetime members of the single club.

The Book takes many forms, but, in essence, it’s a scrapbook of fabrics, magazine cutouts, advertisements, photographs, and maybe even CDs. It could be as informal as a manila folder, as intense as an embroidered photo album, or as high tech as an Excel spreadsheet. No matter what form “the book” takes, all the single ladies have no business making one.

To say the least, it’s putting the cart before the horse. Single women who obsess about getting married are taking their eyes off the prize - finding a man first. Before you know it, these same “book”-makers are settling for less-than-stellar dudes just because he’s “kind of a nice guy” and he’ll look good in a tux.

Never mind the fact that they’re not all that compatible. These women have placed their obsession above practicality, and that’s dangerous waters.

Tip for dudes: If you find a wedding planner scrapbook in your lady’s house, run. Fast.

People have been dumping each other for thousands of years, and the results are usually the same. The person who got dumped feels resentful and wishes there was some way - some public forum - to air out all their dirty laundry. Usually, these people have to take comfort in dishing to their friends, but now…

Women have found an online forum for this post-break-up resentment: Don’t Date Him, Girl. The web site is an online forum for describing in lengthy details why your ex-boyfriend is a terrible dude, ostensibly helping women get over their exes but really miring them in man-hate and negativity.

First of all, I don’t subscribe to the theory that talking shit about your ex-boyfriend helps you get over him any faster. Every moment you spend talking about him is another moment that you’re still thinking about him, so I don’t see how this site helps anything.

I also don’t understand how this site manages to skirt libel laws. People are making some pretty serious accusations on this site. Some even include pictures! How have none of these dudes found out about this?

Let’s take one example post:

Jermaine Powell, is a liar, he has been sleeping with me for over two years and I just found out that he is MARRIED, YES HE is MARRIED.. he told me he was divorced. Lying Short Bastard.. Ok so he’s short, fat, and has bad breath. He cleans carpet. Ladies he had me fooled. He begged to be with me day in and day out to be with me. He even said he wanted to marry me.

Where do I even start with this one? Let’s ignore all the errors in grammar and punctuation for a moment. After all, women in deep woe often misplace their commas. Let’s, instead, look at all the vitriol that this lady has bottled up - “short, fat, and has bad breath.” She also points out that the dude’s a carpet cleaner (I assume she’s referring to his job and not his sexual proclivities). If his being a short, fat, bad-breathed carpet cleaner was such a problem for her, then why did she stay with him for two years?!

I think that women need to do a little less man-hating and a little more responsibility-taking. Sure, the last dude might have been Mr. Wrong, but griping about him isn’t going to hurry along Mr. Right.

Lady
n: a woman (used as a polite or old-fasioned form of reference)
According to Jessica Wakeman at The Frisky, women hate to be called ladies. Well, they hate it when guys call them ladies, because they sure as hell don’t mind when Beyoncé does it. Wakeman purports that to call a woman a lady is to ask her to regress back to a June Cleaver image of a woman - quiet, submissive, and presentable. But I think calling a lady a lady is just acknowledging that she has woman-parts and that she’s got her shit together. I don’t see the harm.

Ma’am
n: a term of respectful or polite address used for a woman
Just because someone calls you ma’am doesn’t mean your ancient-looking. It probably means that you’re older than the person talking to you, which, if you think about it, isn’t completely unreasonable. At age 25, you’re already older than 34% of Americans. At 45, you’re older than 54%. The sheer numbers suggest that it’s perfectly understandable to call a woman ma’am.

Sweetie
n: used as a term of endearment (especially as a form of address)
Sweetie? What could possibly be wrong with sweetie? Who doesn’t like things that are sweet?!

What do you think? Would you lose your shit if someone called you lady or ma’am? Have you ever called someone these names and gotten the evil eye in response?