In woman-world, kisses are magical moments of enlightenment, where the universe reveals itself in all of its truth and glory. How often have you heard a woman say to her friend, “Once I kissed him, I knew that the spark was gone.”

What spark? What does this spark feel like when it’s there? Maybe I’m just doing it wrong, but I’ve never felt a spark. I’ve felt good kisses and bad kisses, but never a path-altering, ground-shaking lip-lock.

And I don’t think I’m alone. Besides the Righteous Brothers, no other dudes are lamenting to their bros that she never closes her eyes anymore like she used to. Nope, this emphasis on the kiss of enlightenment is solely the territory of women.

In my opinion, however, women don’t really believe in path-altering, ground-shaking lip-locks either. They just trick themselves into thinking they do. I think that if one kiss can convince you that you’re not into someone anymore, then you probably already knew it to begin with. You’ve been secretly harboring that feeling for a while, but were waiting for the kiss to solidify your emotions.

Meanwhile, your dudefriend is left out to dry while you sort out your emotions all over his glad-to-be-kissing face. Uncouth, ladies. Uncouth.

Housewives have it made. After dropping the kids off at school, these domestic damsels have more free time than Andy Dufresne. It’s no wonder that they’re socializing with other moms, volunteering at the senior center, taking classes and going to the gym. I’ve had friends whose stay-at-home moms taught Spanish, knitted afghan blankets, read Nora Roberts books and even bought a puppy just to keep them company.

I get it. Housewives and stay-at-home moms have a lot of time on their hands. And money. Good for them (no sarcasm intended). If I could do that, I would. But what trips me up is the housewives who hire housemaids and live-in babysitters. Is the issue that you have so much free time, you’re willing to fill it doing anything BUT clean your house? Or is it just that if you can afford a maid, you should…?

I guess some people just love to be pampered. Work is just not for them, and kudos to all of you who have found that calling and made it happen. No more dusting or wiping bathroom floors. No more taking garbage out or washing dishes. Taking care of your kids, driving them places and making them lunch is too much work. All play. No work. What happened to housewives that would spend their entire day running errands, making dinner and baking while cleaning the house and looking after the 3 little ones? Today’s housewives are different, I guess. The more free time you have, ladies, the less I understand why you’d hire a maid to do all your work.

Bonus Podcast: Em tells us about her “cute little MILF-y mother” and why it’s okay for Em to call her that.

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First dates can be awkward. You’re sitting across from someone that you don’t know very well, and you’re expected to fill an inordinate amount of time with conversation. Never again will you be expected to keep a conversation afloat longer than you are on your first date.

Consequently, you discover pretty quickly that you need some fallback questions - a few tried and true convo-starters - that will jump-start the evening in case things start to get quiet. A quiet first date isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker; it’s just less desirable. The girls at TMI Weekly offered some advice on questions to ask on a first date. Here’s our list of Five Questions You Should Never Ask on a First Date:

1. When do you see yourself getting married?
Does he have an answer? Probably, but he sure as hell doesn’t want to tell you about it.
What this question really means: I really want to get married. I really want to get married. I really want to get married. I really want to get married. Do you see yourself marrying me? I really want to get married. I really want to get married. I really want to get married.

2. How do you think you’ll raise children?
Does he have an answer? He thinks he has an answer, but I guarantee it’s not as intricate or well-thought out as yours.
What this question really means: I think I’d be a great mommy. Don’t you think I’d be a great mommy? I want to have babies, babies, babies. Don’t you want babies? Don’t you want me to have your babies? Babies, babies, babies.

3. How many people have you slept with?
Does he have an answer? Yes, unless the answer is greater than fifty.
What this question really means: I kind of want to sleep with you, or I’ve at least been debating it in my mind, but I want to make sure that you’re still going to call me in the next few days. Also, I haven’t slept with very many people, and it will help complete my fairy tale image if you haven’t slept with very many people either.

4. What was your ex-girlfriend like?
Does he have an answer? Yes.
What this question really means: ???

5. Do you believe in true love?
Does he have an answer? No. If he answers the question, it’s bullshit.
What this question really means: Do you think you could love me, or are you just looking to bang? Are you gonna introduce me to your friends and family, or are you only gonna call after midnight when you couldn’t get anyone at The Rusty Nail Bar & Grill to sleep with you after a wild Tequila Tuesday?

Everyone’s heard the metaphor about the boiling frog. If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out, but if you put it cool water and slowly boil it, the frog will remain there until it dies. That’s essentially how it works with having a baby. Barring accidents, women don’t just up and get pregnant one day. They ease you into it, using The Baby Ladder.

The Baby Ladder is a slow escalation towards making dudes realize that they’re mature enough to have a baby, they’re ready to have a baby, and they might actually want a baby. The first step on the ladder requires you to start…

1) Owning Plants
Dudes don’t own plants, but the second he moves in with his girlfriend, he is now the proud owner of at least three potted plants. Plants are super low-maintenance. Water them every once in a while. Make sure they get the proper sunlight. Speak to them in soothing tones. Piece of cake, right? Right, until she insists you think about…

2) Buying a Puppy
Puppies have to be fed daily. They need to be walked and cleaned up after. They require veterinarian visits. Vacation plans have to be changed to accommodate the dog. If you just bought a puppy with your girlfriend, this shit just got serious. Over time, you get used to the dog. You appreciate its loyalty. You forget what life was like before you got it. And right around the time she’s sure that you’ve passed the point of no return, she suggests the two of you start…

3) Babysitting Your Friends’ Kids
This is as close as it gets to putting a baby on layaway. And I don’t know who initiates this step - whether her friends and relatives assume you two are ready because you’ve taken to the puppy so well or whether she goes out trolling for a baby in need of sitting. Either way, it won’t be long before you’re spending your Saturday night or Sunday afternoon caring for her nephew or for her BFF’s daughter. And that’s fine. Babies are easy to deal with in short doses - when you know they’ll be returning home soon. But pretty soon you’re spending a lot of time babysitting other people’s kids, and then you’re on the hook, because pretty soon, you’re…

4) Having a Baby.
How did you get here? When did you sign up for this? By the time you realize it, you’re too late.

Who is it that expanded birthdays into birthday weeks? By definition, a birthday should be one day - a single 24-hour period of celebration. More and more women are getting behind this birthday week phenomenon, expecting 3-7 nights of parties, presents, and “Happy Birthday” sing-alongs.

In reality, birthdays are like dreams: People really only care about their own. So when she goes and extends hers into a whole week, she’s really just torturing her friends and loved ones by forcing them to endure half a fortnight dedicated to her.

Ladies, your birthday is not Hannukah. It’s only one day. Enjoy it while it’s here, because it’s not coming back for 365 days.

WBT Podcast: Women be trippin on giving their boyfriends some “alone time.” Is it too much to ask for?

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Have you ever noticed that the longer two people date, they begin to look like each other? It’s almost inevitable, considering how much time they spend together, but some women hasten that appearance-merge by consciously making themselves over to look more like their boyfriends.

They might dye their hair, in the belief that their boyfriends will appreciate it if they’ve got the same color locks. This one makes no sense to me, because if the dude was that interested in dating someone whose curls were the same color as his, he would’ve found someone like that in the first place. Secondly, it’s pretty deep on the creep-scale for a girl to play “color catch-up” with her hair. We’re talking about real-life here, not Mission: Impossible. Unless you’re a CIA agent on a covert mission, you shouldn’t be dyeing your hair to match someone else’s.

They might change their wardrobe, hoping to dress more like their new beau. Again, if he wanted someone that dressed like him, he would’ve found that person in the first place. So when she suddenly starts wearing The Clash t-shirts even though she doesn’t really like The Clash, you’ve got a problem. This brings us to the next shapeshift…

They might start listening to your music, in the hopes that if they fall in love hard enough with Morissey, then you might fall in love hard enough with them. While it’s nice to date a girl with similar music tastes, it hasn’t been a necessity since I was fifteen years old. I’ve since gotten older and realized that there are more important aspects of a relationship than the similarities in our iTunes libraries. If she suddenly claims that she “loves” your favorite band, it’s more than a coincidence. It’s shapeshifting at its finest.

They might start wearing your college sweatshirt, hoping that you’ll conveniently forget the fact that she didn’t go to your college. Take off that sweatshirt before you curse my Trojans to a losing football season.

I wish girls wrote Facebook posts like this about me.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

If you’re a woman and you’ve got a sister, chances are strong that you’ve gone a period of time without talking to her. I don’t mean that you went to France for the summer, so you just didn’t have the opportunity to speak to her. I’m talking about a serious, sister disagreement that could only be resolved by cutting off any and all contact and swearing to never relent.

Ladies, ladies, ladies… how does this benefit anyone?

After all, that woman is your flesh and blood. She shares your DNA. You used to take baths together! What issue could be so cataclysmically important as to drive a wedge between two sisters? Oh, I’m sure you try to rationalize it to yourself, reminding yourself that she didn’t send a Christmas card or she was mean in Vegas or she stole your boyfriend (I’ve heard all three of these fights before), but at the end of the day, those are petty arguments.

If you transplanted one of these sister-sister fights onto one of your friends, you’d realize that these are minor infractions. You’ve fought and made up with your friends over far worse. If one of your besties didn’t send a Christmas card or acted bitchy in Vegas, you’d be mad at them for a while, but it wouldn’t necessitate excommunication. Eventually, you’d get over it, and all would be well again. Can’t you extend that same courtesy to your former Barbie playpal - the future aunt to your children?

And even if your sister did something really terrible - like kissed your boyfriend - can’t you forgive her? She’s your sister. After all, he’s the jerk who kissed your sister.

In all fairness, my sister and I once went through a long and terrible phase where we weren’t speaking to each other. She said some pretty harsh words, so I stopped speaking to her. It lasted for three hours.