Housewives have it made. After dropping the kids off at school, these domestic damsels have more free time than Andy Dufresne. It’s no wonder that they’re socializing with other moms, volunteering at the senior center, taking classes and going to the gym. I’ve had friends whose stay-at-home moms taught Spanish, knitted afghan blankets, read Nora Roberts books and even bought a puppy just to keep them company.

I get it. Housewives and stay-at-home moms have a lot of time on their hands. And money. Good for them (no sarcasm intended). If I could do that, I would. But what trips me up is the housewives who hire housemaids and live-in babysitters. Is the issue that you have so much free time, you’re willing to fill it doing anything BUT clean your house? Or is it just that if you can afford a maid, you should…?

I guess some people just love to be pampered. Work is just not for them, and kudos to all of you who have found that calling and made it happen. No more dusting or wiping bathroom floors. No more taking garbage out or washing dishes. Taking care of your kids, driving them places and making them lunch is too much work. All play. No work. What happened to housewives that would spend their entire day running errands, making dinner and baking while cleaning the house and looking after the 3 little ones? Today’s housewives are different, I guess. The more free time you have, ladies, the less I understand why you’d hire a maid to do all your work.

Diet advice from This is Why You’re Fat. The irony made me laugh.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

For those that don’t know, there’s certain bathroom etiquette for men, most of which involve not touching or getting close to other guys. Leave a urinal between you and the next guy when possible, don’t make eye contact, don’t touch any guy, wash your hands only if someone’s watching (in which case you do it very thoroughly).

So what I could never understand is why girls go to the bathroom in groups. They’re not wiping each other or watching. So they just… what? Do makeup together? Talk? I found out recently that some girls bathrooms have couches and a lounge area. If you put that in a men’s bathroom, you wouldn’t want to sit on it; after all, it’s in a bathroom. A public bathroom to me is meant to be a short, do-your-business-and-get-out as soon as possible. Sometimes holding my breath for the entire time depending on the bathroom.

I get the idea of girls on a double date going together to just talk about the guys. But I’ve seen this in bars, restaurants, church, and even work. Come on, someone please explain what you’re doing in there together because I’ve never understood girls’ bathroom etiquette.

There are so many products out there with overpromises of “age-defying” or “wrinkle reducing” or products that make false claims of providing “a youthful glow” or “eliminates bags under your eyes.” They cover up, hide and mask any sign of aging. …or at least they’re supposed to.

Let’s back up a step. If you assume that these products work, and I think to some degree, they do, then you have to assume that your age is most visible on your face. From years of unprotected exposure to the sun, stress wrinkles, sagging jowels and crows feet, everything has a “solution.” Even facelifts attempt to smooth out the unpleasantries of getting older.

But if you discount surgery, there’s nothing for necks. That is to say, all the products on the market to make you look younger are for your face. But your neck has skin that has also been exposed to years in a tanning bed, stress and gravity. Maybe instead of facelifts, more women should be getting neck-tightenings. Instead of facials, spas should offer neckers. Because as much as you women use makeup, lotions and powders to pretend like you’re not a victim of aging, your neck is telling us the truth.

I can clearly recall growing up and going to my grandma’s house for holidays, birthdays, weekend barbecues, and weekday dinners. Like everyone’s grandma, mine is the best cook in the family. You can’t enter the house without eating something, and you can’t leave without taking home some leftovers.

And as I grow up and see movies like My Big Fat Greek Wedding and have holiday meals with other people’s families, I’ve realized all grandmas are the same - Italian, Jewish, Greek, Persian, Mexican. Grandmothers everywhere derive some sort of sick pride and happiness when you eat their food. The greatest insult you could ever give a grandmother is to not eat her food. And you can never eat enough, in her eyes. You could have just eaten an entire cow and she’d still insist you can have another plate followed by homemade pie (”After all,” she’d say, “I made it special for you. I know it’s your favorite”). And so you just eat it. So the irony is, she feeds you and feeds you and then if you get fat, she’ll probably tell you to lose a few pounds, while still insisting you finish seconds and thirds.

The stubbornness that mothers and grandmothers alike have that allow them to be so unhappy if you don’t eat their food is something I will never understand. For my mother, my grandmother and any future mother-in-law, all I can do is just pretend to be hungry and that their food is the best in the world. No questions asked. Just finish everything on your plate, even if it feels like you’re going to puke. She’d be happier if you did; you’d eat more.

Dear future hook-up,

Let me set up an analogy:

I’ve been brushing my own teeth since I was 4. I haven’t had a cavity in years. I do a pretty good job and know how to clean my own teeth. I know how much toothpaste to put on, know all the little crevices to scrub, know how long feels like a good brushing, and know how to brush my own tongue without gagging. So if someone were to brush my teeth, and try to emulate the way I’ve been doing it for years, it couldn’t possibly be as good.

Which brings me to my point:

I, as well as every other guy out there, am an expert when it comes to handjobs. So if you’re going to try and emulate my years of experience, your practice should not come from sanding a block of wood. Because nobody likes rough, dry sandpaper on their wood. So if that’s what you’re offering, sorry to be picky, but I’ll probably just pass.

I know what you’re going to say in advance. Some girls don’t want to give blowjobs, and clearly they don’t all want to bone. That’s all fine and good, but a handjob is fun for no one. It doesn’t get me in the mood for anything besides a nice, cold shower.

Thanks in advance,
Jake

Walk through the aisles of Walgreens, Bath and Body Works, or Nordstrom. There is an entire area dedicated to skin care. Bottles and bottles of moisturizer, foot creams, make up remover, lip balms, face wash, zit prevention, zit treatment, suntan lotion, tanning oil, facial masks, hair remover, hair bleach and probably hundreds more I’ve never heard of.

One thing you’ll never find for girls is plain Skin Cream. It doesn’t exist. Apparently, skin is different depending on where it is on your body. God forbid you use foot creme as face cream. Don’t even try using your day moisturizer at night. Body lotion doubling as suntan lotion is just about as crazy as using shower gel as shampoo (I know, it’s weird). And then there’s lotions for dry skin, oily skin, acne-scarred skin. I haven’t even mentioned scents, SPFs, and brands.

To men, skin is skin. Moisturizer is moisturizer. The stuff I put on my hands is good enough for my face. And you girls may be thinking, “Noo!! You’ll clog up all your pores and you’ll break out!” But the irony is that you girls break out too. So either you’re being screwed by the Skin Care industry and overpaying for dozens of different creams, or humans are meant to have zits. I’ll stick to my one, $20 bottle of regular, unscented moisturizer.

So last weekend, me and my boyfriends went to this bar, got drunk and drove around the city…

You may be thinking to yourself, “that’s so wrong.” And I agree. But if you were referring to the drinking and driving, I would have to disagree. While I do not condone such reckless behavior, I further cannot condone the use of the word “boyfriend.” The way some girls call their besties “Girlfriends” just sounds weird and I don’t understand the terminology.

Let’s be clear. I’m not homophobic and I’m not one of those people who uses the word “gay” to describe things I don’t like.

Using the world “girlfriend” in that Oprah-ish way of saying, “Haaay girfraaaand,” is one thing. But in the “Oh my girlfriend just got her hair done like that!” way is weird. In all seriousness, if you’re a girl and you call your best friend your girlfriend, you are either 80 years old or gay. So don’t try to make that cool. It’s not working.

The world has lost a legend today as we all mourn the death of The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. But with all the attention pointed at the man on stage, I couldn’t help but think about the other side of the show: the fans. Since Elvis and then The Beatles, fans have been screaming until they go hoarse, cheering until they faint and trampling each other at the mere sight of these rockstars and actors. But why?

We’ve discussed the idea of Starfucking already. The girls I’m talking about are not the girls throwing their panties on stage and getting their cleavage signed. Most of these girls don’t even have cleavage. These girls don’t hang out waiting to get backstage for a sexcapade. I’m talking more about the obsessive, bedrooms wallpapered with pictures, crying if he looks at you, my life isn’t complete unless I can meet him Superfans. Teenage girls take fan-dom to a level that is incomprehensible. Superfans spend thousands of dollard to sit in the last row of a Hannah Montana concert. Superfans buy every piece of Jonas Brothers merchandise. Superfans are in the front row of a Michael Jackson concert and touch his hand when he reaches out– only to never wash it again for a year. Superfans cry their eyes dry for Sanjaya.

Superfans need to calm down. These stars don’t even know you exist and the fact that your night, or even worse, your life is made or broken by making eye contact is a little bit pathetic. Chill out. Twilight’s not worth the extremity, nor is Johnny Depp or Zac Efron. Neither are the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana or any other overrated pop star. Elvis and The Beatles, on the other hand…