Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

I understand dressing for girls. I do it practically every day. The goal, although not always successful, is to get one comment from a girl per day (keep the bar high, right?).

I could care less what guys think about what I wear. That’s not to say that I’ve never worn anything to impress my guy friends. A funny threadless shirt, ironic vintage shirt, rare Air Jordans or even a slick watch is a pretty good way to get all your boys excited. The point is that it still looks good. But on a daily basis, it boggles my mind.

It’s not that there is an entire population of women who dress for each other, but just that what these woman consider hot is so unattractive and unflattering, I’m dumbfounded that women continue to dress like this. There are puffy shirts that look like burlap sacks, colorful dresses that hide any sign that you have a figure at all (aka boob curtains), one-piece bathing suits, boys’ button-up shirts, high-waisted shorts, and - worst of all - hats.

These clothes are so unattractive to guys.

If there’s a reason to dress for girls besides showing off about who can spend more money on more unflattering clothes, please. Let us know.

Sample lyrics:
Where the hell am I?
Who are you?
What’d we do
Last night?
Yeah yeah yeah

Can’t remember what I did last night
Maybe I shouldn’t have given in
But I just couldn’t fight
Hope I didn’t but I think I might’ve
Everything, everything is still a blur
Can’t remember what I did last night

Commentary:
Britney, I know you probably sleep around and party like you don’t have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. But it’s completely ridiculous and none of my business to hear about your date rapes. In fact, it’s disgusting. I, along with the rest of America, would rather hit you, (baby), one more time and remember the good old days when you were a virgin than hear more songs about you getting drunk and boning some douchebag who wants a good story.

Do these come in men’s sizes?

I have no words, except that I would write my entire autobiography on this if it came in a men’s version.

Actually, no. I would never use them. And I can’t believe that anyone in their right mind would buy and use these.

Who cares about your ex? I’m sure he was a jerk, and I’m sure it would feel good to punch him in the face, but really? This is your motivation to go to the gym? C’mon. How about impressing the next guy? Beach body? Or just to be healthier!?

Crunch has either tapped into something really brilliant, or is embarrassing an entire gender.

From before they enter Kindergarten, girls have a constant need to let the world know how cool they are. It’s what we like to call “Public Exclusivity.” Some do this by being mean and condescending to their sisters. As in, “Omigod, Sarah. You still play with dolls? You are such… a baby.” Some do this by starting secret clubs. (See the Babysitters Club, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or Suicide Girls gangs.) Some older girls will date guys for status. Examples include Anne Nicole Smith, Holly Madison and, for those of you who went to high school with me, Kelly Dubrow.

But in this age of technology and second-by-second status updates, there are new ways to exhibit public exclusivity. Recent showcases of condescending coolness that have shown up on my newsfeed in the last 24 hours include: “Just got home from finishing in the top 10 in the 5k race”, “Spotted Lauren Conrad at Barneys”, and “Just looked at pictures of myself from Coachella…Epic.”

Another convention of this is the well-known Facebook relationship. OMG, you girls are sooooooo cute. You’re best friends, but you’re married to each other on facebook! A-dorable. And as if that wasn’t enough, why don’t you go ahead and post on each other’s wall about how much you love each other. BFFAEAE. But if you wanted to take it even farther, just start a facebook group about how you’re obsessed with each other.

The point is, nobody wants to hear how cool you are. In fact, the older we all get, the less we want to hear about it. The more you talk about how cool and exclusive you are, the less I believe it. Face it, girls. You can be cool and have a million BFFs, but the world doesn’t need to know.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

It is common practice for anyone traveling to bring an extra pair of underwear, socks or even a jacket or sweatshirt. Most people would call these items “just-in-case” clothes because, well, just in case.

So if you’ve ever been traveling with your girlfriend, mom, sister, or maybe you yourself are a compulsive suitcase stuffer, you know how ridiculous women can be when it comes to overpacking. It usually works like this: an overnight bag has clothes to last the average girl an entire holiday weekend. Packing for a weekend trip involves at least one moderate sized rolling suitcase, a purse and maybe a carry-on. One to two week trips, no matter where, no matter how much extra luggage charges are and no matter how readily available laundry machines are (god forbid you should have to do laundry away from home), we’re talking two or more large suitcases that could not have been zipped without some major squeezing and stuffing.

This goes beyond “just in case.” At this point, we’re talking an entire wardrobe folded up in your Samsonite. This is an “I can’t go anywhere without my 4 different conditioners, hairdryer, that dress I never wear but you never know… and I need a different pair of shoes every day” kind of trip. These trips are guaranteed to be headaches from the start because these girls are packing suitcases that weigh more than them. There’s no chance that a girl who packs two enormous suitcases weighing over 200 lbs is carrying that herself.

Which means some annoyed boyfriend, brother or even worse yet a stranger is now hauling your life in two rolling Louis Vittons while you just point and hold your purse. Point is, nobody likes to get a hernia from lifting other people’s stuff, and nobody likes the high maintenance overpackers who can’t carry their own shit. Keep it simple, ladies.

This new trend of girls throwing mustache parties, or taking pictures of themselves trying to be “funny” has gone too far. We get it. There’s so much pressure on girls these days to be pretty and keep a girly image, that it feels good to be ugly once in a while among other girls. Or maybe you’re just trying to be ironic: because we all know girls can’t grow mustaches.

Wanna know why? Because facial hair on women is not attractive. In fact, it’s gross and creepy… even though MetroMix and so many others disagree with me. So even though you’re trying to be funny, or actively defy social standards of beautiful, you’re not really doing yourself a favor by wearing a mustache. Either there’s a perfectly logical explanation to why hipster girls LOVE facial hair, or I’m just crazy because I don’t want to make out with anyone that looks like Tom Selleck with boobs.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

Last weekend, I was on a pub crawl in Hermosa Beach, where dozens of drunk ex-greeks crawl weekly. The girls who organized this particular crawl decided that the theme should be Cowboys and Indians, since they were from Texas. (I know. I don’t quite get the connection either).

I started talking to this group of girls from another pub crawl, with a Snuggie theme. That’s right: On the hottest day of the year, a dozen girls go on a pub crawl wearing a blanket with sleeves. Needless to say, they were really, really sweaty.

And I wish I had a single to put in a g-string for every time I heard about a themed party where the idea was to dress like a stripper (see Halloween)… From “CEOs and Office Hoes” to “Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes” to “Pimps and Hoes”, I think you get that trend.

Or even worse is when the idea is to be unattractive. Ugly Sweater Parties, Mustaches and Mullets, Red (neck) White (trash) and Blue (collar) aren’t really going to make us look all that good…

And then there are just the boring ones. The White Party. 80s. Mardi Gras. Toga. Luau. Survivor. Show some creativity.

The point is, dressing up can be fun. But if you’re going to do a theme, make it good. A good theme should be creative, and fun and practical. Not just an excuse to look dumb. So if you can’t come up with something good, don’t make me look ridiculous for dressing up and don’t get mad at me if I don’t.  I’ll be happy to come to any regular birthday, goodbye, housewarming, retirement, non-denominational religious or national holiday party or any other excuse to get drunk together.  Let’s just be smart about the theme.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

I always wear pants with pockets because I have things to carry with me. Keys, wallet, and phone. That’s it. If it were socially acceptable to have a manpurse, I don’t think I’d have enough stuff to put in it. But women are quite the opposite. A quick gander into a purse will make you think she’s a Boy Scout, prepared for anything.

Of course, there’s the expected items: Wallet, checkbook, pen, keys, sunglasses, camera, change, tampons, gum, touch-up makeup, hair ties. But when you delve deeper, there exist some things that leave you with one word… “Why?”

First, let’s start with pills. I’m not talking birth control. I’m talking birth control AND Aleve AND Aspirin AND cough medicine AND Midol AND multivitamins AND cough drops. Why not just take them at home? Or pack them when you’re sick?

Let’s move on to hygiene. Toothbrush and toothpaste are a staple for a girl-on-the-go. You never know when you’ll come across bad breath or crashing at a “friend’s” place. Don’t forget about sanitizing wipes and antibacterial lotion. These are used after you’ve been shaking hands with the whole finance department, or just to wipe down your steering wheel because your hands were probably a little bit germy. Then there’s Tide Pens and Shout wipes. …because, you know, life as a girl can be pretty messy.

You never know when a girl is going to get hungry on-the-go. So of course snacks in your purse are a must. A good on-the-go snack is a granola bar, a bag of almonds, 100 calorie packs of your favorite salty or sweet snack, or Gogurt.

Beyond that are the strange anomalies: rare, although they do exist. That extra pair of underwear in case of a late-night hookup. That extra pair of shoes (ok, how big IS your purse?) because you never know if the party will require heels or flats. Splenda. Seriously. And the ever-elusive yet hilarious hot sauce or salad dressing. These girls MUST have their food spicy and their salad dressed.

Purses have become a magical bag, a la Felix the cat, out of which ANYTHING can be pulled. They’re getting bigger and bigger. So much so that I’ve seen luggage-rolling purses. Ladies, it’s too much. Keep a granola in the car. Keep lipgloss in your pocket and save yourself the backache. You don’t need this much stuff.

Actually, I don’t care that much. But it seems like a staple in nearly every girl’s photo album. Scroll through old pictures and you’re bound to find a picture like this. Why? I can’t tell you.

I’m sure that every time I go out with my guy friends, we, too, wear shoes. And although it’s rare that we go out with a camera, I can assure you that when we do, there are no pictures that look like this.

The funny part to me is the process of taking this picture. One girl directs the group to put their feet into a circle. Why? Again, no one knows, but on the flip side, nobody questioned it. “Sure, I’ll put my foot into a weird, meaningless circle and then I can tag my foot on facebook as my face. That’d be hilarious, right?”

No. It wouldn’t be.

But maybe there is a logical reason to take a picture like this. Perhaps this is a way to verify that you and your friends all have feet (or at least one foot). Maybe it just shows that you and all your friends can afford shoes. And a camera.

Do you think if you gave girls in 3rd world countries a camera, they’d come back with a circle of feet? Probably not. Maybe the reason for taking a picture like this is to look back in a few years and look at how shoe fashion has changed (ok, seriously?). Or maybe the world will never know.