I don’t think I’m alone when I say that I’ve never entirely understood lingerie. I get that it looks good, but it seems like the more work that goes into lingerie, the faster it’s just gonna come off. That’s why I’m a lingerie-minimalist.

You can imagine my horror and disgust at the finalists for the Triumph Inspiration Awards - the Oscars of lingerie.

Finalist #1: The Suit of Armor
Oh, great. This will fulfill a childhood fantasy of mine - to have sex with Master Shredder. Now, if I could only get James Avery to talk dirty to me, I’d be in hog heaven.

Finalist #2: Spiderwebs
If a girl wore this into the bedroom, I think I would willingly give up sex for a year. I’d rather suffer through another dry spell than know that I had sex with cobweb-vagina. I’d imagine that no guy besides Tim Burton would find this attractive.

Finalist #3: Sea Creatures
As a child, I’ll admit that I sang along gleefully to The Little Mermaid’s “Under the Sea.” But that doesn’t mean I ever wanted to grow up and have sex with that song’s ensemble. I have no desire to fornicate with an aquarium, as this piece of lingerie would suggest. It’s the underwater equivalent of a “sexy cow costume.”

Finalist #4: Frowny-Mons
These underwear just seem largely impractical, in addition to incredibly un-arousing. It’s a huge frown above the woman’s vagina. If that isn’t Freudian, then I don’t know what is.