Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

If you’re a woman and you’ve got a sister, chances are strong that you’ve gone a period of time without talking to her. I don’t mean that you went to France for the summer, so you just didn’t have the opportunity to speak to her. I’m talking about a serious, sister disagreement that could only be resolved by cutting off any and all contact and swearing to never relent.

Ladies, ladies, ladies… how does this benefit anyone?

After all, that woman is your flesh and blood. She shares your DNA. You used to take baths together! What issue could be so cataclysmically important as to drive a wedge between two sisters? Oh, I’m sure you try to rationalize it to yourself, reminding yourself that she didn’t send a Christmas card or she was mean in Vegas or she stole your boyfriend (I’ve heard all three of these fights before), but at the end of the day, those are petty arguments.

If you transplanted one of these sister-sister fights onto one of your friends, you’d realize that these are minor infractions. You’ve fought and made up with your friends over far worse. If one of your besties didn’t send a Christmas card or acted bitchy in Vegas, you’d be mad at them for a while, but it wouldn’t necessitate excommunication. Eventually, you’d get over it, and all would be well again. Can’t you extend that same courtesy to your former Barbie playpal - the future aunt to your children?

And even if your sister did something really terrible - like kissed your boyfriend - can’t you forgive her? She’s your sister. After all, he’s the jerk who kissed your sister.

In all fairness, my sister and I once went through a long and terrible phase where we weren’t speaking to each other. She said some pretty harsh words, so I stopped speaking to her. It lasted for three hours.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

A lot of my guy-friends have met awesome girlfriends. A few have even gotten engaged. And one has tied the knot. Through all these relationships, all these great girlfriends, I’ve never asked the question or heard another dude ask:

“Is she the one?”

But girls toss this phrase around more than Morpheus from The Matrix. They’re always on the hunt for The One. They’re asking about The One. They’re taking tests in Cosmo to see if they’ve already found The One. But aren’t they begging a very important question - namely, does “The One” even exist?

If you put a gun to my head and forced me to decide, I’d venture to guess that “The One” is just a figment of our advanced imaginations. To accept “The One” as reality, you have to accept the idea that you can put all of your relationships on a ladder of awesomeness. Bad boyfriends go on the bottom rung. Awesome boyfriends get closer and closer to the top, but that top rung is reserved for “The One.”

The problem with this logic is that you can’t really compare most relationships. They’re either good or bad, but if you put two “good” relationships side-by-side, it’s tough to measure all the intangibles. And if you can’t measure them, then how the hell could you ever find one that’s perfect?

Just because I don’t believe in finding “The One” doesn’t mean I don’t believe in loving someone. I just have trouble with the idea that there’s only one person out there for me. What if she’s already dead or married? Am I just screwed forever?

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

Crash dieting is largely the domain of women (which is why we experimented with it only to reach disastrous results). I won’t even get into how it’s a terrible idea for digestive or psychological reasons. Let’s accept for a second that as long as women keep buying magazines at the checkout counter, they’re going to keep seeking quick fixes for their weight problems.

The part about crash diets that baffles me are the so-called “timeouts” or “cheat days.”

For a meal, a day, or even a whole weekend, women supposedly on diets gorge themselves with whatever the hell they want, arguing that they’ll make up for it with an extra half hour of cardio once they get back on the diet-wagon.

Here are the top five reasons women call T.O.:

1. Break-Up
Just because you’re going through a break-up doesn’t mean you get to shirk of your responsibilities, especially the self-imposed ones. You still have to get up in the morning, go to work, and pay your bills, don’t you? Why would exercising and eating healthy foods be any different?

2. Fight with Mom
You had your daily phone call with Mom, and her insistence that you get your act together (i.e. find a boyfriend, job, new apartment, or mechanic) frustrated you so much that you abruptly ended the call and headed into the nearest Cold Stone Creamery. That’ll teach her!

3. You Got Fired
…Because nothing gets you a job faster than sitting on your couch, watching Maury, and eating ice cream-dipped french fries. Let’s put down the calories and get back on the horse, ladies. Besides, you’re not going to fit in that business suit you love if you keep piling on the trans-fats.

4. Somebody Else’s Birthday
Jenny Craig would understand how much your BFF and/or boyfriend mean to you. You figure she wouldn’t want you to suffer through their birthday party without partaking in all the delicious (and tremendously unhealthy) snacks… I don’t know Jenny Craig personally, but I think that’s exactly what she wants you to do.

5. You Feel Fat
This is the most paradoxical one of all. Somedays, you’re going to wake up and feel like none of your clothes fit you right. You know that feeling? That’s motivation, not an excuse to devour two peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

I’m sure that girls derive some magical sense of fun from playing with dolls - changing them and feeding them and tending to the fake cries. Personally, I don’t understand how this is in any way enjoyable, but I’ve been more than willing to give my little sisters the benefit of the doubt.

I should hope that at some point in their adolescence, women would realize that even though dolls might look like children, they are not actually children. You cannot treat babies the way you treat a doll, and, as such, you cannot go naming your kids willy-nilly unless you are actually growing a tiny-person inside of you.

Some women have their baby names chosen way, way, way in advance. This is crazy for a few reasons:

1. You’re gonna have to raise that baby with someone else, namely the baby’s father. Don’t you think he’s going to have an opinion on what to name the fruit of his loins?
2. We’re talking about a human being - with feelings and a skeleton and everything! As much as you liked Trista from the first season of The Bachelorette, I don’t think it’s a good idea to name your infant after her.
3. Someday, you’re going to have a boyfriend, and when he finds out that you’ve already named your first six children, he’s going to run… fast. He hasn’t even thought about what he’s gonna wear tomorrow, let alone whether he wants to have children with you and what he’s going to let you name them.

Tips for guys: Tell your lady that you’ve always had a hankering to have a child named Atari.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

I understand dressing for girls. I do it practically every day. The goal, although not always successful, is to get one comment from a girl per day (keep the bar high, right?).

I could care less what guys think about what I wear. That’s not to say that I’ve never worn anything to impress my guy friends. A funny threadless shirt, ironic vintage shirt, rare Air Jordans or even a slick watch is a pretty good way to get all your boys excited. The point is that it still looks good. But on a daily basis, it boggles my mind.

It’s not that there is an entire population of women who dress for each other, but just that what these woman consider hot is so unattractive and unflattering, I’m dumbfounded that women continue to dress like this. There are puffy shirts that look like burlap sacks, colorful dresses that hide any sign that you have a figure at all (aka boob curtains), one-piece bathing suits, boys’ button-up shirts, high-waisted shorts, and - worst of all - hats.

These clothes are so unattractive to guys.

If there’s a reason to dress for girls besides showing off about who can spend more money on more unflattering clothes, please. Let us know.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

A friend of mine has a reputation for only dating hunky, model dudes. She doesn’t always pick the sharpest tools in the shed, but she’ll be damned if he couldn’t grace the cover of Esquire. Unsurprisingly, she’s baffled by her lack of success in relationships. Now, as she finds herself attracted to a “normal-looking” person (a mere mortal like you and me), she wonders if she should pursue it, since she’s “clearly out of his league.”

This idea - being out of someone’s league - could only belong to a woman. Unless we’re talking about fantasy football, men don’t put themselves in leagues. We don’t measure our dating acumen by the hotness of the women we snag. We understand that the hotness of our partners can be streaky. If we’re fortunate enough to get a hot woman one week, there’s still no guarantee that we’ll find another one the very next week.

Women, on the other hand, graduate up the hotness ladder. This month they’re dating a single-A hottie, then next month they want to move up to double-A. When that gets old, she wants to move up to triple-A and finally the big leagues. Women fear regression, probably because she wants to outdo her friends and re-validate her self-worth.

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Why go through the added stress and torture? Women should base their dating choices on pure compatibility. Screw what people think, right?

I’ll be the first to admit the hypocrisy of that. Guys, especially, want hot girlfriends, and I think that’s understandable. It’s understandable for girls to want hot manfriends, but waiting around for some ridiculous man-model just doesn’t make any sense.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

This is one that I’ve never understood. A girl meets a weird-looking dude on the street. She doesn’t think twice about it. But give that guy a bass guitar and a six-inch stage and he suddenly becomes irresistible.

1) Starfucking.

Starfuckers are attracted to anybody who’s got a stage under their feet and more than three people screaming their name. In fact, a Star’s attractiveness is directly proportional to the size of his fanbase. If he’s the keyboardist for the opening band at a coffeehouse, then he’s mildly attractive. But if he’s the biggest rock star in the whole world (even if that does make him 65 years old), then he’s fucking gorgeous.

What’s amazing is that this doesn’t just hold true for rock stars. Even angry, bitter, unattractive stand-up comics can be the recipients of a good starfucking. I guess all that matters is a stage and a spotlight.

2) Jersey Chasing

Like starfuckers, jersey chasers are only attracted to athletes. It doesn’t matter if he’s Wayne Gretzky or Jack Haley. All she wants is to be able to watch him play on game day and tell all her friends, “That’s the guy.”

The old cliche is that it’s not about the name on the back of the jersey, but the name on the front. Well, for jersey chasers, it’s all about the name on the back of the jersey. They could care less what team he plays for or if he’s any good.

3) “I Just Love a Man in Uniform.”

I’m not disqualifying the sacrifices that men in uniforms have to make, but why does it earn them an automatic fan club? Where does it end? Astronauts? The Coast Guard? Chief Wiggum?

As far as I can tell, there’s no male equivalent for starfuckers. No guy looks at Courtney Love and thinks she’s any hotter just because she was the lead singer of Hole. Nobody finds the Williams sisters more attractive because of their mammoth thighs and seventeen Grand Slams. And girl-firefighters might be some guys’ fantasies, but that fantasy includes hot women, not normal-looking goobers like “Goose” from Top Gun.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

It is common practice for anyone traveling to bring an extra pair of underwear, socks or even a jacket or sweatshirt. Most people would call these items “just-in-case” clothes because, well, just in case.

So if you’ve ever been traveling with your girlfriend, mom, sister, or maybe you yourself are a compulsive suitcase stuffer, you know how ridiculous women can be when it comes to overpacking. It usually works like this: an overnight bag has clothes to last the average girl an entire holiday weekend. Packing for a weekend trip involves at least one moderate sized rolling suitcase, a purse and maybe a carry-on. One to two week trips, no matter where, no matter how much extra luggage charges are and no matter how readily available laundry machines are (god forbid you should have to do laundry away from home), we’re talking two or more large suitcases that could not have been zipped without some major squeezing and stuffing.

This goes beyond “just in case.” At this point, we’re talking an entire wardrobe folded up in your Samsonite. This is an “I can’t go anywhere without my 4 different conditioners, hairdryer, that dress I never wear but you never know… and I need a different pair of shoes every day” kind of trip. These trips are guaranteed to be headaches from the start because these girls are packing suitcases that weigh more than them. There’s no chance that a girl who packs two enormous suitcases weighing over 200 lbs is carrying that herself.

Which means some annoyed boyfriend, brother or even worse yet a stranger is now hauling your life in two rolling Louis Vittons while you just point and hold your purse. Point is, nobody likes to get a hernia from lifting other people’s stuff, and nobody likes the high maintenance overpackers who can’t carry their own shit. Keep it simple, ladies.

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

It’s no secret that guys want it and girls got it, but using sex as a reward (or withholding it as a punishment) is plain old bad sportsmanship.

Using sex as a reward sets a dangerous precedent. It places sex on the currency exchange system. Sure, it might be fun to reward a guy with sex after he does a few tedious chores around the house or after he accompanies his lady to a party that she’s not thrilled about attending. But with an agreement like that, sex has suddenly taken on a price tag. It’s pawnable. It’s tradable. It goes by the stock symbol SEX on Wall Street. By assigning it a monetary value, sex has stopped being fun, and it’s started being endurable.

Withholding sex as a punishment makes even less sense to me. It’s like running out the clock in sports. Sure, it wins the game, but no one pays to see QB kneels. Get in there. Mix it up. If you’re gonna fight, then fight. Don’t play passive-aggressive bedroom games.

Dr. Mark Schwartz, director of the Masters & Johnson Institute, offers the following commandment: “Never ’service’ your partner out of a sense of duty or guilt.” This dude’s been studying sexuality since the mid-70s. I’d say he’s a pretty reasonable authority on the subject.

Sex is not a reward or anniversary gift. You can’t schedule it or postpone it. You can’t trade it or sell it. It’s sex, for Christ’s sake. Bone already!

Women Be Trippin everywhere and all the time. Here’s the next chapter in our list of 101 Ways Women Be Trippin.

Women undergo a major identity-shift every few years. Some can be pretty mild. She might change the color of her eye shadow or switch ringtones. But most - and I’m talking the overwhelming majority - are radical shifts across the seismograph of sanity.

1) Changing Friends: Sometimes, a girl gets so involved in the drama of her BFFs, she realizes that it’s time for a clean break. She stops returning all of her friends calls, and, within a month or two, she’s rolling with an entirely new crowd. She has traded up. I can understand the realization that a couple of your friends might not be the right fit, but dropping your entire roster is a bit excessive. What would happen if the Washington Redskins called a press conference one morning and announced that they were releasing their 22 starters? The General Manager would be ridiculed for such a hasty and ridiculous move. Well, the same is true for friends.

2) Changing Hair Color: Again, a little hair dye never hurt anybody, but there comes a point where it stops being a fashion choice and starts resembling the government’s threat level system. (”Oh boy, she just escalated to a Code Orange.”) This is, by no means, a recent development. The Assyrians dyed their hair four thousand years ago (and then they invaded the shit out of Cappadocia). While scientific evidence is scant, it’s possible that the Assyrians were just trying to get a jump on the idea that blondes have more fun or redheads have more sex. In any case, women have elevated hair dye from a cosmetological tool to a personality panacea.

3) Changing Names: A woman might change her name slightly, like when she graduates from college and suddenly insists that you call her Christina instead of Chrissie, Patricia instead of Patty. Or a woman might go totally batshit and change her name from Cynthia to something completely trippin like Pepper, Mirage, or Cutout. No matter what, the idea that a different name on her driver’s license will make all her problems go away - that’s just silly.