Women be trippin on weddings. Katie, a past podcast guest, is getting married next week year, so we asked Sarah, her maid of honor and another friend of the podcast, to tell us about the experience in all its crazy glory. Here’s the first chapter in Katie’s trip to the altar.

In January, Katie and I went ring-shopping. Katie wanted me to help her pick out the perfect ring, then relay the information to her boyfriend, Bryan. “I’m going to have to wear this ring everyday,” she said. “It’s like letting someone else pick out a tattoo for you. That’s crazy!”

This was only the beginning of the crazy.

Katie suggested that I try on rings, too, but that dream ended when the salesman asked me, “So what’s his name?” Some things are too scary even to lie about.

The salesman (who towered over me like Michael Clark Duncan) thought that ring-shopping with a friend was odd. Looking around the store, we saw excited women clutching fear-stricken men who could only see price tags and carat sizes, failing to see the importance of sparkle factor and the bragging rights that come with a ring so big it says, “My fiancé loves me more than yours does.”

What truly matters when selecting a diamond is the fit. Just like big people should never wear horizontal stripes, small hands should never wear anything too clunky or big. Slender hands, on the contrary, can get away with more bling. However, over the top clusters should be reserved for man hands, to distract. And never give a diamond to a woman with talons. (She might lose it in the wild.)

Once the ring has been bought, there is one deadly comment that must be avoided - never said to the bride-to-be unless your goal is to be uninvited to the wedding and bitch-slapped by a girl wearing a huge rock. Do not ever compare the bride-to-be’s ring with someone else’s engagement ring. I saw this happen, and it was terrible.

Remember, diamonds are as unique as f***ing snowflakes.

WBT Podcast: Women Be Trippin on guys who get coffee with their ex-girlfriends.

(This podcast was recorded just after midnight on New Year’s Day, and everybody is highly intoxicated.)

(Special guest: Sarah)