Everyone’s heard the metaphor about the boiling frog. If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out, but if you put it cool water and slowly boil it, the frog will remain there until it dies. That’s essentially how it works with having a baby. Barring accidents, women don’t just up and get pregnant one day. They ease you into it, using The Baby Ladder.

The Baby Ladder is a slow escalation towards making dudes realize that they’re mature enough to have a baby, they’re ready to have a baby, and they might actually want a baby. The first step on the ladder requires you to start…

1) Owning Plants
Dudes don’t own plants, but the second he moves in with his girlfriend, he is now the proud owner of at least three potted plants. Plants are super low-maintenance. Water them every once in a while. Make sure they get the proper sunlight. Speak to them in soothing tones. Piece of cake, right? Right, until she insists you think about…

2) Buying a Puppy
Puppies have to be fed daily. They need to be walked and cleaned up after. They require veterinarian visits. Vacation plans have to be changed to accommodate the dog. If you just bought a puppy with your girlfriend, this shit just got serious. Over time, you get used to the dog. You appreciate its loyalty. You forget what life was like before you got it. And right around the time she’s sure that you’ve passed the point of no return, she suggests the two of you start…

3) Babysitting Your Friends’ Kids
This is as close as it gets to putting a baby on layaway. And I don’t know who initiates this step - whether her friends and relatives assume you two are ready because you’ve taken to the puppy so well or whether she goes out trolling for a baby in need of sitting. Either way, it won’t be long before you’re spending your Saturday night or Sunday afternoon caring for her nephew or for her BFF’s daughter. And that’s fine. Babies are easy to deal with in short doses - when you know they’ll be returning home soon. But pretty soon you’re spending a lot of time babysitting other people’s kids, and then you’re on the hook, because pretty soon, you’re…

4) Having a Baby.
How did you get here? When did you sign up for this? By the time you realize it, you’re too late.